This Week's Fake Horoscope
ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Be careful of your dinner choices tonight. An incautious poultry entree order will cause you come to the conclusion that you have no idea what bird gave his life to become a "cornish hen". Don't worry, nobody really knows where cornish hens come from. You have two choices: 1) Look to see if there are a lot of pigeons (worse yet, loose feathers) outside the restaurant, or 2) Order the Filet Mignon. But not the "petite" minion (same reason).
TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Ease up on the Aqua Velva, sport.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
You are about to become the hero to millions of kids worldwide when you discover the true source of childhood obesity: broccoli, asparagus and brussel sprouts.
CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
The Prize Patrol will not pull up to your house in a beater pickup truck with a window decal of Calvin peeing on Hobbes (or anything else for that matter). Don't open the door, and don't try to cash the big cardboard check.
LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Tonight's "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" marathon will do nothing for your self-esteem. Read a book instead. One without pictures.
VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
You're in for a big surprise when a dinnertime ring-of-the-doorbell comes from none other than actor and activist Sean Penn. Tips: put away the camera, turn off the Madonna CD, and don't ask how he feels about the Iraq situation. Keep conversation light: gardening, the kidlets, his brother's music career. No, wait... Michael Penn hasn't had a hit in years... Just keep quiet and play Yahtzee. And, for Pete's sake, let him win!
LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
Don't track mud across my nice, clean floor!
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Yes, she said she has a boyfriend. No, she doesn't really have a boyfriend. Neither do any of the other 18 ladies you hit on at Hoppy's Bar and Grill last night - even though they all told you "yes, I have a boyfriend." My advice: see entry above for Leo.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Cheese covers a multitude of burned foods.
CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
A glitch in the solar system tonight will mean no astrological events for Capricorn tonight. Sorry for any inconvenience.
AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
No, the Burger King mascot isn't staring at you through your bedroom window. Time to lay off the fast food.
PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Yes, the Burger King mascot is staring at you through your bedroom window. Time to lay off the fast food.
