This Week's Fake Horoscope

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Your mother gave you plenty of good advice as a child. Do not chew with your mouth open. Always put on clean underwear. Never tease an angry badger with shiny objects in your mouth. Heed all three of these warnings today, especially if you wear braces.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Bill Gates will today reveal the real reason he his retiring from his post at the helm of Microsoft. While he does truly intend to spend more time on his philanthropic enterprises, he will now fulfill a life-long dream: to own and operate a Church's Fried Chicken franchise in Redmond, Washington.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Travel somewhere exotic this weekend. A place with a name that's fun to pronounce. A place where sun-drenched beaches await you... a heavenly oasis of peace and tranquility... sunsets that last forever... Maybe Wakarusa, Indiana. Or Nitrate City, Alabama. Or Spongefart, Arkansas. (OK... there's not really a Spongefart, Arkansas.)

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Today is the day to buy a plot of land in Arkansas and settle your own town. You should name this town Spongefart. People will remember a name like that. Plus, it will look good on the exit sign off I-30. "Exit 73. Arkadelphia. Gum Springs. Spongefart."

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Pat Robertson will announce today that he is retiring from television to fulfill his lifelong dream to own and operate a Church's Fried Chicken franchise near Ruchmond, Virginia.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
Where in the world is Matt Lauer? He's heading to your house for dinner tonight. And he's bringing Bill O'Reilly with him. Go for the apricot-glazed pot roast with baby red potatoes and beet chutney. And don't mention Katie - you'll upset them both.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
Tonight is a night for romance. But beware - while your lips may be saying "yes", your breath is saying "respirator mask". Gargle. Twice.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Yes, that awful taste in your mouth is from a drinking binge the night before. No, the alcohol did not leave that taste. And, no, Snausages do not taste just like Jimmy Dean links - despite your drunken claims last night.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Katie Couric will reveal today that her claims of employment with CBS were all part of an elaborate rouse to get out of her contract with NBC. She is really fulfilling her lifelong dream to own and operate a Church's Fried Chicken in upstate New York.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Roses are red,
Violets are not,
The cops know the difference
Between ferns and pot.

Time to get out of the greenhouse business, Moonflower.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Your desire to learn French is commendable. However, you need to study harder, for today you will be embarrassed by a prankster friend who will put you up to visiting a local French-language bookstore and ask for a book about French culture, entitled L'odeur de mes aisselles est comme le maquereau et les oignons. Duck when the Marseille-born former boxer / bookseller throws a left hook at you.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Former President Bill Clinton will let it be known today that he is moving back to his homestate of Arkansas. He will be giving up his duties as former president of the United States to pursue his lifelong dream to own and operate a Hooter's franchise. (You thought I was gonna say Church's Fried Chicken, didn't you?) While he will remained tightlipped about the exact location of his eatery, he will more than likely locate just off I-30, near the newly settled town of Spongefart.