Yet Another "Horoscope"

Your Fake Horoscope for this week:

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Words to live by: It won't always mold if it gets too old. Clean out your refrigerator soon.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Today you will consume copious amounts of garlic, eggs and ripe cheese. Avoid elevators and closed spaces at all cost.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
She isn't giving you a coy look. She's just gassy. Back off before she puts a restraining order against you.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Remember your second-cousin Freddy, the one who moves from relative to relative with his 1954 Airstream motor coach, overly-regular pit bull Spike and no pooper-scooper? No? Well, he remembers you. Do not answer the door. Close the blinds. Lock the windows. Be very quiet: ever since that near-accident at the power plant he worked at, his hearing is quite acute.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You will be quite surprised to wake up and find Bob Dylan is still at your house. Your neighbor's second cousin has a 1954 Airstream motor coach he'll make you a good deal on. Comes with a dog, too.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
Your luck will run out when you find yourself in a spitting match between Good Luck and Lady Luck.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
Today is the day to realize your dream of becoming a Portable Toilet Leveling Engineer. After all, the only thing worse than using a port-a-pot is using one pitched at an angle. You will be the hero of construction workers and outdoor concert-goers worldwide.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Your mother knows you have caller ID. Stop avoiding her calls.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
This is the day to stop that excursion to Karbers Ridge, Illinois, that you keep talking about. Go to Higbee, Missouri, instead.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Yes, you can sue the Kool Aid people. It was irresponsible for that big pitcher of sugary water to come crashing through your wall, no matter how refreshing his contents might be.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
The moon is in Pisces and it is high tide for your water sign. This is utter nonsense.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Carpe Hypsiprymnodon: Seize the Musk Kangaroo. If he gets in the crawl space under your house, you'll never get him out - at least not without a fight.