Your Fake Horoscope for This Week

Your Fake Horoscope for this week:

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Beware of the guy who keeps calling you claiming to be a financial advisor. While he may not be lying about getting you a good deal on some Enron stock, I would think twice about that $240,000 mortgage at $14.99 per month.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Jamaica is calling. Collect.

Refuse the charges.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Remember that time you had a very embarrassing gastrointestinal episode in the office? Remember how you blamed it on Wally, the poor gullible guy two cubicles down who reeks of Old Spice and hasn't had a date since Laverne & Shirley first aired? Remember how everybody called him Air Horn Wally on a daily basis for six straight months? Remember how Sally down in accounting walked around handing out respirator masks to everybody as a joke? Remember how everyone chipped in to buy him a big case of matches for his birthday? Remember how he finally heard so much about his alleged flatulence that he actually began believing it is he who had dealt it? He will remember the truth when he visits a hypnotist this week. Maybe you should offer to pay for his counseling sessions.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Lovely to look at,
Sticky to hold,
It isn't a "Microfern",
Just a rock with some mold.

Throw it away.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will discover the reason for all the trouble you have at airport security. Begin the process to change your last name from Schubaumer. (Say it quietly to yourself... you'll get the joke.)

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
Diamonds are not your girl's best friend. Her name is Karen. And you were hitting on her at the company party last night. Lay off the Mai Tai's.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
Southern California will finally fall off into the Pacific Ocean this week. Not from any natural disaster, but the sheer weight of the Hollywood ego concentrated in one area. Tom Cruise jumping up and down on some talk show host's couch didn't help stabilize things.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Your mother called. She wishes you would come reclaim all those Tavares eight-track tapes you left behind when you moved out in 1979. She stiill has your magic eight-ball, too.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Oskaloosa Swamp, South Carolina. Loud Schooly D rap track. Sherriff's car. "You look just like Ned Beatty." Remember these things. And stay off highway 144 southbound. Trust us.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
Tonight, Mars will pass very near Aquarius, slipping between Cygnus and Leo Minor. However, he won't be anywhere near Wal-Mart. You'll have to go pick up your own toilet paper.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Tonight is not the night to find true love. Should you meet the man of your dreams, have a background check run on them. And, despite what he says or how suave he comes across, he is not Neil Young.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
The Braunschweiger and Cole Slaw Diet isn't working. Time to start eating some other, less invasive foods. And quit blaming Wally for your episodes of gastric distress.