Excuses Excuses 101

First off, let me apologize for not blogging here for quite some time now. I've been really busy taking a course on Creative Alibi Conception, Concoction and Composition (LIES 101).

Step one: Apologize without accepting blame or admitting fault.Let me rephrase the first line of this entry. I apologize for no new blog entries having appeared here in the past few days.

Step Two: Rationalization
I recently have been unable to get to this blogspot because I was abducted by a pack of wild panda bears who were very angry at humans for referring to them as "bears". Apparently, pandas are a mammal class all their own, and wish to be recognized as such.

I was taken by this not-so-merry band of 250 pound critters to a remote mountainous cave, where I was fed a diet of wild berries, chestnuts, and Diet Coke. You may have seen the videotape the bears - er, uh, pandas - released while I was in their captivity. It was on Nightline (west coast feed only). They filmed me a stolen zoocam from the panda exhibit at the San Diego Zoo.

While I cannot say for certain the location where I was being held, I can tell you I was rescued by a busload of Deadheads on their way to a Phish concert who were on their way to Kashmir to "reload the supply shelves, dude." They paid up my ransom: three boxes of Snickers bars ("not the cheap Halloween fun-sized stuff!" as the ransom note stated).

They had only gotten as far as Nevada.

Step Three: Accept Responsibility Without Actually Accepting Responsibility
So, as you can see, being held up in a cave in Nevada, with no wireless signal, makes blogging a bit tough. I know I promised to blog more often, and have not lived up to that over the past three weeks. But, clearly, this situation was out of my hands.

Step Four: Blame The Other Guy
This would never have happened had that twelve-year-old kid not lifted the latch on the panda cage gate at the zoo (the name and location of which I will not divulge here, to save them embarrassment). Had security been tighter, the maurading pandas would never have escaped, and I would never have had to face the terrifying experience of being held hostage by misunderstood mammals. Or of the terrible stomach ache from all those berries!

Not only that, but we should also consider the blame that needs to be assigned to:
The manufacturers of the panda enclosure
The manufacturers of the steel that was used to make the panda enclosure
Local authorities in at least eight states who failed to pull over a station wagon full of pandas
Several fast food drive-thru employees who failed to alert authorities to a station wagon full of pandas
The local hardware store that sold the pandas the inordinate amount of duct tape and rope used to bind my wrists and ankles.
The manufacturers of aforementioned duct tape and rope, for making such a dangerous product that could be used to hold a human captive
The manufacturers of the automobile these animals used, for not having the sense to make them panda proof
Local telecommunication companies for not making wireless service available in that remote desert cave (hey, we all have the right to Internet access!)