Today's Fake Horoscope

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
An intense hunger for good blood pudding will take you to a remote village on the southwest coast of Ireland. Your tour guide will be the little leprachaun from the Lucky Charms box. Bono will greet you at the airport. His first words to you will be the same as the message we're about to give you: lay off the peyote. There is no such thing as leprachauns. Go home and sleep it off.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Monkeys. Remember that word today: monkeys. Whenever someone asks you a question, look them straight in the eye and, as serious as possible, answer them with one word: monkeys. Don't say it with dramatic flair. Don't repeat it. Just say it once, and be very direct in your answer: monkeys.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Your lucky number today: the square root of 45986543.33884(14). Good luck with that jackpot!

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
The moon will cross Aries, then turn left. It will be refused service at the McDonald's drive-thru. They don't accept walk-up business.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
Pat Robertson will finally speak up and admit that he is not really God's spokesman. The announcement will come after a year of thunderstorms, a tsunami, and generally weird weather that, oddly enough, strike only his property. Remember: God does not need a televangelist for a consigliere. God is God.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
Surprise! Keanu Reeves is coming over for dinner tonight. Don't try to impress him with your freaky Matrix moves. He's seen it all before. Fun game suggestion for tonight: parcheesi.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
Do not stray from nature's path unless you're wearing long pants. Poison ivy is no fun.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Your well-kept secret is out. Everybody knows all about it. Even your neighbors. But don't panic. Cancel your plans to move at least three state lines away. Just keep a box of tissue with you when you drive. And, don't worry - people will want to shake hands with you again someday.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Be willing to stand up for your right to play your CDs at work. In time, your co-workers will come to appreciate - even enjoy - the soothing sounds of Pained Screeching Bavarian Yaks Drinking Caustic Acid While Standing On Searing Hot Coals. Beats rap music.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
When was the last time you hugged an exorcist? They need love, too! Have one over for dinner. But don't serve pea soup. That would be in poor taste. (No pun intended.)

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
The shrill voice in your head that keeps shrieking "60B! 60B!" will finally subside when you remember you fell asleep last night watching Elizabethtown.
(Note: Don't believe what your co-workers tell you. Elizabethtown really was filmed in Elizabethtown. There is no town in Kentucky called Bungdrop. And, no, that wasn't Buck Owens in the background during one of the hotel lobby scenes.)

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
No, World War II-era Twinkies are not safe for consumption. That is what the doctor will tell you just before pumping your stomach. Don't be a gastrointenstinal daredevil. Put the yellowed package down and go buy some fresh snack cakes at mini-mart. And stop buying "edible rations" at the Army surplus store!