Father Hennepin Comes To Town

Back in 1680, explorer Rene-Robert Cavelier, Sieur de LaSalle, sent his historian, Father Louis Hennepin, to discover the source of the Mississippi River. This means that, around three and a quarter centuries ago, Father Hennepin travelled through the Twin Cities. He is credited with discovering and naming St. Anthony Falls.

Now, I must admit, the falls must have been a spectacular sight to behold, before loggers and entrepreneurs practically destroyed them in the late 19th century. But I never realized just how fantastic this water feature was back in the 1680's. After all, Hennepin was so taken by this water fall that he absolutely ignore such sights as the IDS Tower, the Foshay Building, the Stone Arch Bridge, that huge spoon with a cherry in it...

Today, we celebrate our famous visitor from ages past with the Father Hennepin Festival. As celebrated in this annual event, Father Hennepin travelled with an entourage including carnival rides, skill games (if throwing a ring onto a tightly wedged array of pop bottles is a skill) and deep-fried food vendors. Which makes sense: Father Hennepin was probably too busy throwing up from the upsetting combination of corn dogs, cheese curds, cotton candy and Tilt-A-Whirl rides to notice the Target Building or the Metrodome. (Of course, not even the Minnesota state legislature seems to think much of the Dome.)

Two years prior to visiting Minneapolis, Father Hennepin - along with LaSalle - discovered Niagara Falls. It was here that LaSalle's party had to abandon their boat, the Maid of the Mist, when they discovered they could not get up the falls by ship. While there, Father Hennepin dined at the Hard Rock Cafe on the Canadian side of the falls. There's a framed photo of him munching on some Santa Fe Spring Rolls with Toronto-born singer / songwriter Neil Young, who was just beginning his career in 1678. It hangs bust above the gold record for Tavares' "More Than A Woman", and just below one of Madonna's many pointy leather bustierres. (This particularly uncomfortable piece of inappropriate outer wear has a tag sewn inside it that says, "Thursday".)

After walking the catacombs behind the falls, Father Hennepin and his party purchased a new sailing vessel from a local tribe of Native Americans for the price of seven beaver pelts, a barrel of gunpowder and a dozen box-seat season passes for the Buffalo Bills. They began to cross Lake Erie, only to discover the waters were so polluted they could not sail easily. (Their boat's rutters kepts getting hung up in beer cans, thick industrial waste, spent steel-belted tires and aquatic carcasses.) At Cleveland, they took in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame, where Father Hennepin was heard to mutter, "I hope the Mississippi River goes to Hibbing so I can meet this Dylan fellow. His lyrics are so meaningful!"

From Cleveland, Hennepin's party travelled west, across the Ohio Turnpike and Indiana Toll Road, getting hung up in road work and heavy traffic in an attempt to get around Chicago on the Tri-State Tollway. (Historical fact: when you travel along I-94 and hit a particularly rough patch of pavement, chances are this is the original pavement Hennepin travelled on. Evidently, for historical reasons, several miles of original highway have been preserved across Illinois and Wisconsin, to the chagrin of many a flat-tired, suspension-shot motorist.)

Somewhere around Chicago, Father Hennepin unloaded his boat. He traded it for seven beaver pelts, a barrel of gunpowder, and scads of carnival equipment (including the aforementioned Tilt-A-Whirl). Legend has it this transaction took place near Niles, IL. However, there is no verifiable historical data to indicate Father Hennepin took the Tri-State any farther north than O'Hare Airport. He probably got his corn dog cookers and Tommy the Train rides somewhere around Alsip or Tinley Park.

While most would consider Father Hennepin's trip a legendary success, the Belgian-born, French-based priest felt not entirely fulfilled by his adventures. Despite his many great discoveries and incredible experiences, he found that the Mississippi River did not go to Hibbing, MN.

And he never got to meet Bob Dylan.

Upon his return to France, he set up his carnival attractions outside his cathedral near Pas-de-Calais and began raising funds for a new boat.

And a roof for the parsonage.

Thus was born the first church fundraiser - a tradition that continues more than three centuries later in churches around the world. It was at one of these early fetes that Father Louis Hennepin also adapted a dish he had eaten while in America by slicing potatoes into thin sticks and dropping them into one of his corn dog fryers. Heavily seasoned with salt, Father Hennepin called his haute cuisine finger food "French Fries". He sent some back to his friend Ray Kroc in America, and the rest, as they say, is history.

So, here's to Father Louis Hennepin - Fransiscan missionary, explorer, discoverer of St. Anthony Falls, fan of Bob Dylan and inventor of the French Fry. Think of him next time you puke after too much candy corn and Tilt-A-Whirl. Or hear "Like A Rolling Stone" on the radio. He would have liked that song. Although, I cannot help but wonder how he would have felt about Dylan going electric.