What's In Your Wallet?

A band of displaced Nordic seafares has just stormed into my office demanding to know the contents of my wallet.

Here goes:

• health insurance card
• dental insurance card
• auto insurance card
• several phone cards (pre-cell phone)
• valid driver's license
• obviously fake ID issued by Graceland with a photo of Elvis circa late-1950's (a more realistic depiction for me would have been Elvis circa mid-1970's, with fewer sequins and scarves).
• posed photo of a young Desi Arnaz wearing his best flaminco suit and brandishing a pair of maracas (I like to preface showing this pic off by telling people, "My wife says I've changed since we got married. What do you think?")
• Wurlitzer Organ donor card
• credit cards with friction burns across the magnetic stripe
• several no longer usable Subway stamp cards
• several no longer usable Subway stamps I never got around to sticking on the cards (although a few are now attached to the aforementioned Ricky Ricardo photo)
• 4 kyats in Burmese money (from my special op days)
• 75c in expired Funland tokens (also from my special op days - don't ask)
• Kroger savings card (nearest Kroger: at least two state lines away)
• Cheapo Records Frequent Buyer Card (don't I wish!)
• library card
• video rental card
• pet store shopper card
• Pan Am Airlines frequent flyer card (I should have used my miles on that magazine subscription!)
• three Bonus Burrito punch cards from Panchero's - each one partially stamped
• receipts
• four I.O.U.'s from a "friend" I haven't seen since 1989 (think I'll ever see him again?)
• five mayonnaise packets (real mayo, not that Miracle Whip stuff)
• four Splenda packets
• autographed photo of Charles Nelson Riley, taken when he was center square on Hollywood Squares (if you look to the left, you can almost make out Charlie Weaver's hat)
• that annoying little security tag that sets off the shoplifter alarm installed at every exit of every megastore I shop at
• 25c off coupon from McDonald's, announcing their newest sandwich, the McRib (coupon no longer valid)
• a moth
• wait... that's not a moth... I'm not sure what that it...
• a very small tract entitled "Sensible Thoughts of Hollywood Liberals"
• fake Mr. Spock ear-tip
• ticket stub from Airport '75
• more half-used punch cards
• no cash (except the Burmese money mentioned earlier)
• dust bunnies
• Gary Coleman

Needless to say, the Viking horde has left and is now hounding one of my co-workers.