The Return of the Horoscope

One of the most popular - and controversial - features of the old blog was the horoscope. It was inaccurate, it was funny and - most importantly - it was fiction!!! I do not believe in seers of the future or prognosticators of destiny. You shouldn't, either. Heck, meteorologists can't even predict the weather, and they have scientific data behind them!

So it is, with these things in mind, that we present The Jumbled Encephalon Horoscope.

Enjoy!

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ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
You're upcoming appearance on The Tonight Show could be fraught with danger. Tom Cruise will be sitting on the couch as well. Be careful not to toss your mug of water in his face. And don't ask him how Nicole's been.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Your heart will race. Your nerves will tinge with excitement. At long last you will experience the feeling of speed chugging five doublemoccachinolatteespressos at the local coffee bar. Do not order a sixth one, no matter how much the spiky-haired kid behind the counter eggs you on.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Be careful how you invest. Despite what your cousin's broker tells you, Commodore 64 tape drive computers are not "a hot commodity again."

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Be careful. The filling in that microwave sandwich may be hot.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You will be quite surprised when Edgar Allan Poe stops by your house for a visit - especially since he died about 156 years ago. If he has a blackbird on his shoulder squawking "nevermore", it's time to move.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
Good news: you will discover a way to lose weight safely and quickly while doing nothing but eating junkfood and pizza, watching endless hours of your favorites movies and reading. Bad news: you will wake up.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
An off-the-cuff remark about how wonderful life is "in the summertime" will spark a Mungo Jerry reunion. But don't expect to see any money from the concert.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
You will be frustrated when you discover that, despite your months of research, experimentation and hard work, there is just no way to make tofu palatable.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
Your boss is behind you. Shouldn't you be doing something other than reading this fake horoscope?

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
It's time to switch deodorants. Seriously.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Live for today. If you wait until after midnight, today will be gone. Luckily for you, what you now refer to as tomorrow will become today, which is now yesterday - not to be confused with the yesterday you know today because it will be two days ago not yesterday, so when tomorrow comes and it is today (not today today, which is yesterday), then... oh... ow... my head hurts...

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Your wife called. She said to bring home a loaf of wheat bread and a gallon of milk. And it had better be skim milk.

EDGAR (February 30)
You will discover being born on a fictitious date has its advantages as well as disadvantages. You will have to decide which is which.