This Week's Alledged Horoscope

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
Your disappointment over the cancellation of this years Ozzfest will be offset by the announcement of "Ozzmond Fest". Yes, it's your dream come true: Donny, Marie and various sundry members of the Osmond family are going to tour stadiums, ballparks and open farm fields across the US. Be careful not to wet yourself over the opening act: Leif Garrett's cousin, Lenny, who will be performing a set of Leif's biggest hits.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
Corrective surgery is not the answer. As long as you avoid open-toed clogs, no one will notice.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Love is in the air. The EPA suggests using particulate face masks to filter out the impurities you may be breathing in.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
Being too literal about the meaning of the phrase "strike while the iron is hot" could leads to a trip to the emergency room, as well as assault and battery charges. Remember: steam burns can be serious.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You will be quite surprised when Bob Dylan stops by your house for a visit - especially since he swore never to return after that whole stir-fry incident. Bob is a red-meat man. Leave the veggies in the fridge.

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)
There is an old Chinese proverb that says, "Good luck seldom comes in pairs but bad things never walk alone". Remember that when Hall & Oates want to perform at your upcomong neighborhood block party.

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)
A freak kinetic wave in the western sky will cause Neptune and Jupiter to collide. The flash, eben though light years away, will illuminate the skies over the western hemisphere with a white light that is ten times brighter than that of the sun. The heat produced by this unbelievable planetary catastrophe will cause massive melting near the North Pole, causing flooding of epic - indeed apocalyptic - proportions across Canada and the northwest and north-central United States. Large portions of Michigan - surrounded on three sides by Lakes Michigan, Superior, and Huron - will be swallowed up in the watery swells. Chicago and Detroit will be completely submerged. Top story on the evening news: Jennifer Aniston really sick of Brad's antics.

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)
Stop staring. It isn't nice.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)
This is the day to begin that excursion to Karbers Ridge, Illinois, that you keep talking about.

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)
A well meaning acquaintance will approach you today and say, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Squeezing his head as hard as you can and screaming, "You mean like this?!", is an inappropriate response.

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)
Life is a carnival. The health department should inspect it more often.

PISCES (February 19 - March 20)
Your wife called. She said to remember to pick up the kids after school. And, remember, Billy has dance class tonight. Do not taunt Billy about taking dance classes. He may grow up to tap dance all over your critical fanny someday.